you get what you give...

the song says we get what we give... does it mean that if i give 100% of my time and attention to one person, i'll get in return 100% attention from that person? that would be baloney...

i've always tried to live up to the golden rule: "do unto others what you want others do unto you"

i've always, always tried to be good - to everyone, to everything, to anything...

while i mature, i've learned that one should learn how to speak her/his mind to make a point and at the same time learn and know when to shut up...

i cannot say that i've lived a perfect life...

although i am a perfectionist, my being the perfectionist that i am has made life more complicated to me than it should ever be...

i've built walls around me to protect me from getting hurt because i knew from the start that i won't be able to endure the pain...

within these walls are the people i have allowed to enter my world... and in the process given the right to do whatever they want to me, take everything they want from me, ask anything they need of me... in short, i've made these people rule and be a part of my world... and my world has pretty much circulated within my defined confinement...

to my regret, i've realized that no matter how hard i try to be perfect for these people, i cannot free myself from getting hurt by them... nor can i guaranty that i will not hurt them...

and that no matter how hard i held on to them, i cannot assure myself that i will lose them (or they lose me - though i doubt if it will ever happen that these people lose me because they wouldn't be able to penetrate my shell if i don't find them worthy to get in)...

i've always held on to these people... because i don't want to lose anyone of them... and no matter how i try, no matter i give all of me, still i lose most of them...

is it me? am i too wrong for these people?

funny for me to believe that i'll get even a fraction of what i give... though i promise myself i won't ask or expect anything in return of what i give.. still... i can't help but get hurt everytime i am rejected or ignored...

yeah... maybe i am human after all... that i can't can't feel any pain or experience any of these feelings...

i'm trying not to get hurt... i want to feel numb... i just want to play dumb, uncaring and plainly be just insensitive...

i am really losing it...

probably i haven't given anything that is why i am getting nothing...

so, i think that's why my life has remained unsteady and in chaos... because i am not giving enough... because i am living my life in a sham...

i wish that i don't hurt anymore...